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davidj
07-02-2008, 08:23 PM
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

davidj
07-02-2008, 08:29 PM
viz top tip:

KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c

Corrosive
07-02-2008, 10:08 PM
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Corrosive
07-02-2008, 10:10 PM
Viz Top Tip: Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

2bz2p
07-02-2008, 10:22 PM
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

2bz2p
07-02-2008, 10:24 PM
I gotta try this one..

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Corrosive
07-03-2008, 07:08 AM
Viz Top Tip: FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.

davidj
07-03-2008, 07:09 AM
Viz Top Tip: Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife

Corrosive
07-03-2008, 09:07 AM
Viz Top Tip: RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

Corrosive
07-03-2008, 03:58 PM
Viz Top Tip: PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

davidj
07-04-2008, 01:03 PM
viz top tip: SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.

davidj
07-04-2008, 01:09 PM
viz top tip: TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

davidj
07-04-2008, 01:16 PM
viz top tip: http://www.viz.co.uk/images/pad.gifFOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.

Corrosive
07-04-2008, 05:39 PM
Viz Top Tip: Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Corrosive
07-04-2008, 05:43 PM
Viz Top Tip: BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

Corrosive
07-21-2008, 07:33 PM
Viz Top Tip: PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.

Corrosive
07-21-2008, 07:34 PM
Viz Top Tip: MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."